"We were looking to expand our portfolio and really tap into the grandparent segment of the market," said CFO Matt Schmitz. "I really think that we have accomplished that with this acquisition."
In addition to testing well with the grandparent market, Eli, Inc. has also been extremely popular with the Wal-Mart Cashier demographic, elderly shoppers at the local Fareway, and waiters and waitresses in the Mexican Food Service industry.
The development of Eli, Inc can be traced back to nearly two years ago.
"I was the prime incubator of the business model we had proposed," said COO Amber Schmitz. "CFO Matt Schmitz provided the capital and planted the seed to expand the market. All in all the project took about 9 months to get off the ground."
While the initial public offering was scheduled to take place on February 1st, CEO Eli Schmitz made the decision to delay the offering by 45 hours as he was still in the process of developing the finishing touches of the company website. Despite the rocky start, Eli, Inc. has grown by leaps and bounds in its first 9 months of existence.
"A lot of research and development was done on our part in the first quarter," said Matt Schmitz. "We really had no idea what we were doing."
The first and second quarter marked many ups and downs, but the company began to build a lot of momentum halfway through the fiscal year.
"We hit a snag at the beginning of July with a substantial drop in bowel movements, said COO Schmitz. At first we thought it was the overall environment of the bear market and conflict in the Middle-East. It was later found that rice cereal and bananas were the cause of the lackluster performance. We quickly remedied the problem by launching a oat cereal and squash campaign. The results have been beyond our expectations."
Third quarter results have been beyond forecasts, but would have been more impressive without the 17% drop in Sleep.
"Overall, the synergies of adding Eli, Inc to our company portfolio have been very impressive both in the tangibles and intangibles," stated CFO Schmitz, "but the disappointing Sleep results leave us susceptible to our competition."
"All the other key ratios such as crawling, attempting to walk, laughing, sitting up, and spitting up have been increasing at a steady rate."
Schmitz Enterprises plans to continue to grown Eli, Inc. for many years to come with the ultimate objective of splitting it off to operate independently years down the road.
CEO Eli Schmitz is currently under investigation for questionable accounting practices and was unavailable for comment.
CEO Eli Schmitz was last seen in the Bahamas last week. This papparazi photo was taken of Eli celebrating his 9 month birthday with supermodels in a jacuzzi.
Financials (In millions of USD)
Income Statement
Total Revenue - 3,200.00
Gross Diapers - 6,068.00
Operating Drool - 2,303.00
Net Spit Up - 1,930.00
Balance Sheet
Total Current Cheerios - 31,572.00
Total Toys - 53,340.00
Total Current Teeth - 4.50
Total Steps - 21,860.00
Total Gallons Milk - 31,480.00
Cash Flow
Cash from Pooping - 2,738.00
Cash from Baths - -4,971.00
Cash from Stroller Walks - 504.00
Net Change in Wipes - -1,729.00
Key Stats & Ratios
Net Profit Margin - 20.46%
Operating Margin - 24.14%
EBITD Margin - 4.35%
Return on Average Boogers - 15.15%
Return on Average Changings - 25.18%
Emergency Room Visits - 1
2 comments:
Ha! Well done Schmitz. I liked it so much that I'm going to assume I gave you the idea at Old Chicago. I won't be able to confirm or deny this however, as I was on beer #20 of the day and entering hour 7 of being drunk. Why were they still serving me?
Eric
Interesting to know.
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